Funny, when I've talked about my choice of deliberate celibacy over the last 10+ years, I never thought of myself as a trendsetter.

Who'd have thunk it? :)

And while most of the reasons in this article aren't applicable to me, they do help to explain my choices. Including the 10+ years I spent unintentionally single before the 10+ years where it became a very deliberate choice.

I had my son at the age of 20, luckily after having been dumped (mid-pregnancy) by his father. I say luckily, because after a 3-year long abusive relationship, that I was still convinced I wanted at the time, I consider it a bloody miracle that he decided he could find a more useful meal-ticket elsewhere when he did. Being dumped how I was, and in the time-frame it happened, opened my eyes to just how toxic that relationship had been - and how much more toxic it would become, having to navigate the family court systems with this particular malignantly narcissistic prick in my life.

It's hardly surprising that I didn't bother trying to date or even pursue sexual relationships for the decade and change after my son was born. Sure, I had the same hopes in the back of my mind, of finding a good partner to share the rest of my life and child-rearing with. But even if a good choice had come along at the time, I was in no state to be in a healthy relationship.

The way I tended to describe myself then, once I'd had enough distance to understand it, is that he'd hollowed me out and left an empty shell behind. And I don't mean that I lost an integral part of myself when he left. I mean he had silenced, squashed and nearly destroyed several integral parts of me, well before he left. It took me at least 10 years to find myself again in all of that scarred mess, to get some perspective on what I'd been through and what it would take to feel whole again.

At which point, after managing a few other health problems that had gone undiagnosed until then, I started trying to date. Something my 'happily married' GP heavily encouraged, as part of finding a healthier me. Though it's worth noting that this same GP later lost his license to practice in at least one state for an inappropriate sexual relationship with a patient, after his marriage started to fall apart.

When the dating thing didn't go so well, I chose to just pursue some sexual relationships without the romantic necessity - should've been easier to find, right, removing those extra expectations? Nah, the exact same problems happened there as before. I would be extremely frank about what kind of relationships I wanted, what boundaries and preferences I had - which were really pretty minimal.

I only wanted to hook-up with men I could enjoy a conversation with before and after - men I might well find long-term friendships with even when the sexual relationship was gone. I wasn't seeking exclusivity, complex emotional support, a stepfather for my child or even an agreed upon schedule for our more carnal activities. In fact, the only really hardcore rules I set in place were "NO 3AM booty calls," expecting more respect for my time and needs than that bullshit, and that we'd enjoy a touch-and-be-touched time before and after sex. In other words, I was missing being touched a hell of a lot more than I was missing sex.

And I didn't pursue men who were seeking something entirely different and try to convince them to want what I wanted. I only sought men who seemed to be on the same page, to want the same things. I was entirely honest and up-front, and I had the impression I got the same from them - until I didn't. And it never took long either. The most times I saw any guy was twice - once for things to seemingly go well, and the second time for him to behave in precisely the ways I wasn't okay with - 3AM booty call bullshit and all.

After a couple of years of that, I was done. It was 2009, and I decided I had been a hell of a lot happier when I'd been single and celibate, than when I was trying to find a guy to satisfy any of my sexual or companionship needs. So, I quit.

Now I'm 46 years old, and while my life isn't peachy-keen, my position on this matter hasn't demonstrably changed in the last 13 years. Though what my position is might be slightly different than what some would expect.

I would rather be alone for the rest of my life, than ever spend one moment in a relationship for the wrong reasons or make myself even momentarily unhappy trying to find a relationship. Sure, if I happened to make a new male friend and get to know him completely independent of dating, and we eventually developed enough desire and pleasure in one another's company that we wanted to try a relationship, that would be lovely. But that would involve knowing the guy pretty well before I ever had to trust him enough to believe he was both willing and able to put the work necessarily into a mutually-happy, long-term relationship.

Because the truth is I am so far from aromantic that it's scary. I've written romantic comedy and drama most of my life (both PG-13 and Literotica speed). Over the decades I've enjoyed numerous fantasies, both brief and intensive, about finding the perfect partner and having a whirlwind romance. But just like fantasies about having zero-grav sex or saving the world from an apocalyptic event, I enjoy the drama and excitement of the fantasy without any need to try and make it match my real life.

There was a time I thought I was asexual, but that was before I came to understand how much my physical and mental health had been harmed by my early sexual experiences. Now I know that my disinterest in sex with another person is simply because I've never had sex with another person that I enjoyed enough to pursue more of it. If I ever had the means, I'd seriously consider finding a sex therapist or having an occasional visit with a professional sex worker - because it would be nice to combine the experiences of being touched by someone else with orgasms. But no way am I pursuing that unless I am fairly assured, by virtue of my partner's professional titles and CV, of orgasms being part of that package.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say I have no intentions of having sex again unless it's with a partner who has a good reason to make my pleasure his first priority. Which might sound self-involved to some people, but those people don't know what it's like to realize that you've never had a partner who actually prioritized your pleasure at all.

So, while many of the reasons in this article do not remotely pertain to my situation, it still highlights my truth - too many men I've pursued any kind of intimacy with, were not willing to put in the work to have a mutually honest and pleasant time together - short or long term.

Does that mean no men exist who are willing? Fuck no, it doesn't. Not only am I not a man-hater, I am offended at how many men seem to be. The amount of times I've dealt with a man who blows off my experiences as "well, that's just how some guys are," is truly disappointing and obnoxious. I know many good men - my now 26-year-old son, for starters. And I've known of many more in this world.

Is toxic masculinity a large part of why I've chosen to remain single? Yup. But that harms the men around me as much as it has ever harmed me. It's not the fault of men, it's the fault of a systemic societal problem that we all need to work toward correcting.

The way relationships (particularly cis-het ones) are pursued and explored is changing in the world, of that there is no doubt. But I don't think it's going the way a lot of people expect. I don't think people who deliberately identify as single, who make a life-time commitment to that lifestyle, is what's ultimately going to be the norm.

I think "dating as a primary society activity," rather than marriage or relationships, is what's heading for a serious decline in the next 40-50 years. Eventually, I think most people will take the same basic attitude I have - not completely opposed to finding love, sex and/or companionship, but never actively searching for it or dwelling on the need for it either. I envision a world where being single isn't something you need to declare, because our relationship status stops being a particularly relevant part of our self-identity.

And yes, I admit it, I see that as another outcome of developing a sexually educated society. Hence my fervent commitment to creating such a society. :)